Imagine a life where several times a week, you are demoralized thru inadvertence (“are you the first ‘doctor’ in your family?”) and then belittled when you say “ouch” (“I didn’t mean it that way.”)

“Why yes, Caren, except for the lawyers, mental health specialists, international intelligence officers, pilots, Colonel, Admiral, judge, dentists, systems engineer, professor, structural engineers, mathematicians, and cartographer, I am the first ‘doctor’ in my family, thank you.”

Caren doesn’t think it’s insulting because she’s only acknowledging the head-side of the coin — the overt and celebratory “affirmation” — not the tail side — covert presumption my experience is noteworthy as novel within my cohort.

Telling a person she’s noteworthy as a departure from a presumption of being uneducated is not rude. It’s abusive.

If I remarked, upon meeting you and your toddler and seeing you wedding ring, “it must be so nice that your child will grow up with a father.” Now, at the grocery store: “What a doll! Was daddy there when he was born? I bet he fell in love!” Then, at the bank “What a roll model you are for your family!” Finally, at the Lincoln dealer “This little fella is going to grow up knowing the value of self-respect and hard work.” For the recipient, that’s hatefully abusive.

I appreciate that to do this. Your involvement helps ends abuse. That’s not a being an ally to Black America. That’s embracing the duty of a national stakeholder for human dignity.